this is a ted chippington joke, went to the shop the other day and i said "got any sauce mate"? the shopkeeper replied "what, HP"? i replied "its ok, i pay cash"!, spike milligan joke...he went to the doctor and he said "bad news, you've got an acute appendicitis", spike replied "oh, thank you very much".Another spike one.."i went to tie rack the other day to buy a tie which i did but i had to bring it back because it was too tight!!....anyone out there can better these ones

A guy decides to have a party where his guests come as different emotions – from fear to happiness, and so on. The first guest shows up covered in green paint with the letters N and V painted on his chest. “What have you come as?” the guy asks. “I’m green with envy.” “Wow, that’s brilliant,” says the host. “Come in and have a drink.” A few minutes later, a woman turns up, covered in a pink body stocking with a feather boa wrapped around her private parts. “Wow, great outfit,” says the host. “And you’ve come as…” “I’m tickled pink!” she says. “Brilliant,” the host replies. Moments later the doorbell goes again, only this time its two naked Irish blokes at the door. One’s standing with his penis in a bowl of custard while the other’s got his cock stuck in a pear. “What the hell are you both doing?” screams the host. “Well, I’m f*cking dis custard and he’s come in dis pear!

In a recent interview, Paul McCartney was asked, "Do you plan to go down on one knee?" McCartney cleared his throat and said, "I'd prefer that you call her 'Heather'."

what time does michael jackson go to bed...when the big hand touches the little hand..talking of fancy dress parties..i went to one the other week..i went as a premature ejaculation..well, i came in my pants...i went to the hairdressers yesterday..i said i like some highlights please so he showed me some of his previous haircuts..ireland used to be englands main terriorist threat now there are theme pubs everywhere..will there be islamic terrorist pubs in 10 years time...j

Woman wakes up in hospital after her fanny tuck operation to find three bouquets of flowers next to her bed.The first from the surgeon for a successful operation,the second from her husband to show his love and the third from fred on the burns ward to say thanks for the new ears

isnt it funny that homeless people drink "tenants".....masturbation is the nearest i get to an out of body experience...been into drug abuse recently, went to boots and shouted insults at bottles of paracetamol

I'm never too good at remembering jokes! But I can remember a few from comedians that raised a little hint of a smile and a bit of a groan.....

 

"You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a
little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

 

"So I rang up a local building firm, I said 'I want a skip outside my house.' He said
'I'm not stopping you.'"

(both Tommy Cooper)

true, its easy to remember the bad ones, heres a long one....16th century japan..the head samurai is pondering recruiting a chief samurai to cover him on his days off so he puts the word about that theres a job going so on the interview day 3 people turn up, a japanese man, chinese man and jewish man, the head samurai says to them, "i want you to impress me with your sword action and your desire to prove to me that you want this job so the japanese man shows us a matchbox and he opens it and a fly comes out and with his sword cuts it in half. Head samurai impressed.."good so far", the chinese man has a matchbox but this time 2 flies pop out and he kills them both with one swipe of the sword. Samurai more ecstatic.."fantastic..ok mr robinsky, you are the last one" so the jewish man brings out a matchbox and the fly pops out, he swipes the sword but the fly stays in one piece. Samurai is fuming "thats not very good, hes still in one piece", the jewish man replies "well, circumcision is not intended to kill"....hope it was worth it john

hahaha thats terrible

puddleduck wrote: "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.'"

Oh, I like jokes like this one! :)

i see that band madness are combining gangsta rap for their next single..by moving with the times they will release a remix called "drive-by in my car"..j

newyearruse wrote: i see that band madness are combining gangsta rap for their next single..by moving with the times they will release a remix called "drive-by in my car"..j

hahahaha

i heard that sitcom from the eighties "bread" with the boswell family will be made into a film but more controversial but the director is insisting the film "bread" will be uncut!!

ive just had a out of body experience..does masturbation count..

once i lent osama bin laden ten english pounds...some people....you lend them money...you never see them again